ABOUT ME

Long version

I’ve been an artist my whole. You know like these famous people, that claim they’ve been doing the very thing they are famous for, since before they could even walk. It’s not quite like that I was born with a brush in my hand, but I do not recall a time in my life, where I wasn’t creative. In fact I remember my mom asking me, if soon my head would grow big bubbles, because my ideas wouldn’t stop coming. I consider myself very lucky and blesses, my parents were very supportive with my creative endeavors, so it wasn’t to their surprise that once I finished my school, my career of choice would be a creative one.
I trained to become a make up artist at one of the most prestigious theatres in, which included wig making and special effects. Once I finished my training, I knew it wouldn’t want to be self-employed, so I started freelancing and succesfully so, I started travelling internationally with my job as a make up artist and hair stylist. Unfortunately these careers surrounding the fashion or advertising industry, as glamourous as they might sound, are far from so. The days are long, the pay is average and the everyone is stressed. I’ve had some wonderful jobs as well, but unfortunately my experience, the more fun the crew and the gig the more average the pay, if it was paid at all and the higher paid the job was, the less joy I had in them. So my pay increased, but my overall happiness didn’t.

To top it all off, 6 months before I had my final exam to finish my 3 year long training and stepping into self-employment, my mom passed away after a two year long journey, trying to battle cancer. She lost the fight, resulting in me experiencing the most earth-shattering loss and having no idea how to cope with it. So I did two things, I buried myself in work, and I smoked weed daily, to compensate and numb the grief, that would overcome me, when i wasnt busy. I did this for a good two years until I realized that I didn’t just became more and more unhappy, I also became more riddled with anxiety and bitter, to a degree that no one in their mid 20s should be.

From the outside everything looked more than well. I was a good looking, successful young woman, with a loving partner, but the cracks started to show. I became more and more burnt out by the day, until one day everything changed and I was presented with an opportunity to change it all and give my life a complete new direction.

Of course it was all a build up and me always having been someone that thinks a lot, I started to realize that i wasnt happy and that change was necessary.

So I took the chance presented to me and within 3 months I packed up my things In berlin, germany and moved to melbourne, australia.

At first, the intention was to go for a 6 months trip, but as soon as I landed, I felt something inside me say: THIS is where you need to be.

6 months turned into almost a decade and before moving to Bali, Australia felt more home, than Berlin ever did, mainly because In that period of time I took the time, not just to find myself but also to embrace and love myself with everything that I am.

But let’s not jump ahead too quickly.

Just as serendipitous, this chance to go to australia landed in my lap, it didn’t stop there. over the course of the next year, fate was on my side and one thing lead to another and I landed a tattoo apprenticeship. A career I had been dreaming off since I was 15 but never thought I would be able to accomplish.

I had no idea, how to do it, but all i knew, I wanted it so badly, I trusted that I would figure it out. And so I did, I was drawing and creating day and night. A fire had lit up inside of me, that couldn’t be suffocated. So in awe and grateful for the opportunity, to learn to tattoo and also people liking my art and wanting it on their skin, is still to this day, one of the things, that takes my breath away.

fast forward a couple more years, i unfortunately ended up in a similar spiral, like I had been when I left Berlin.

I was overconsumed with the need to accomplish more, hoping one day it would result in me feeling good enough, but no matter how much I tattooed and how many months ahead I was booked out, it only resulted in the same thing. Depressive episodes, feeling inadequate and worthless and experiencing burn out after burn out.

This time around I had also developed a pretty bad relationship with alcohol, that did me more bad than good, yet I told myself I needed this habit.

It wasn’t until the world came to a standstill during covid, that everything literally crumbled underneath me and despite my poor attempts to hold it all together and stop myself from falling apart. Eventually I realized I had to let myself fall apart, so I could hopefully and finally put myself back together in a way that was more healthy than I had done previously.
i also came to see, that this overworking myself, was still a reoccuring pattern, to not have to deal with, fully encompassing the pain that was still lingering of my moms death. It had been almost 10 years at that stage, yet I never allowed myself to fully grief. Tbh I didn’t know what that meant. I cried ever so often, but I didn’t know how to feel and experience my emotions fully without feeling like I’d fall apart.

During lockdown I started journaling and writing again, I also started meditating and educating myself. I reignite a fire inside me again, I became inspired to learn. A feeling that had slowly died in the process of overworking myself again and again. I almost lost the spark and the passion that I had for tattooing because of it. Not because I didnt love what I did, but because I used it in a way to fill voids inside of me, that could never be filles externally. The voids of inadequacy I had been carrying since childhood, the fear of abandonment, I always had too, which got even worse after my moms passing and the self-loathing, that resulted in self-abuse, trust issues and body-dysmorphia. I truly was my own worst enemy and there was lots of layers I had to peel away to get to the bottom of everything, but I started to learn more about emotional intelligence and therefore became more aware and understanding of myself.
Eventually I sought out support, through coaches, mentors and other mental health professionals and I already felt a new niggle arise, on my journey of self-discovery.